Allowing Time To Grieve

      In my opinion, there is a definite cycle to life all beginning at conception and ultimately ending with our death.  Somewhere in this straight line, we as humans give the gift of life to other humans through birth, which is what keeps the cycle of life going.  I also find that in life, we experience pain.  If we allow ourselves the chance to grieve healthy, then we will thrive.  If we find ourselves stuck in our grief, then we should seek out professional assistance.

     Shortly, after the birth of my second miracle baby, I found myself immensely burdened with the pain of not being able to have anymore children and the loss of my 5 sweet precious children.  I felt overwhelmingly sad, weary, and down trodden.  So I sought out for myself, in hopes of being a better mom, the professional help of a grief counselor.  I choose one that was not covered under my insurance because for me it was extremely important that this grief counselor specialize in child loss, miscarriage, and/or infant loss.

    So, every Wednesday at 12:00 PM until 1:00 PM, I would meet with my grief counselor until about a year ago.  Not because I didn't feel the need to seek the grief counselor's assistance anymore.  But rather because I could no longer afford the sessions.  I also found that in time, this individual gave me the tools I needed to grieve properly and to allow myself to move on towards a better future.

   I come from a background of such profound loss early on in my life.  I never got the proper counseling as a child because my adopted family did not see the need for professional counseling or assistance.  I did seek out a counselor when I was 23 or 24 years old on my own insurance.  This proved to be exceptionally effective in aiding me with the pattern for most of my romantic attachments at that time.  I found myself constantly involved in abusive relationships.  One of these relationships resulted in the miscarriage of one of my 5 angels. 

   Lately, as I prepare for the next chapter in my life which involves a move and no longer being a stay at home mom.  I find that I am extremely greatful for the time I have had to seek the assistance that I needed.  I find that I am extremely blessed to have had two very wonderful counselors.  Both of which never offered me any advice, but helped me to move on past my pain and to grieve in my own terms along with it being on my own time.

   I am also so very, very, very greatful for the opportunity to blog about it regardless of how many people read this blog or not.  This is just about one woman's journey in child loss..and I thank you all for being there to experience it with me.

A Life Unexpected

   As Gabriella is getting older, Joannie sees her little sister's many firsts.  She has a tendency to get upset over how much attention her little sister is getting instead of her.  We try an explain to her, that sometimes in life it's not all about what I want or having the attention all on me.  Instead things are about others.  I've started telling Miss Joannie bedtime stories, that are about my earliest memories of her.  Tonight, she wanted to hear about when she was her sister's age.  So I told her that her favorite word to refer to any food when she was 18 months old was "Cheese! Please!" I asked her, "Is this still your favorite food?" With a Cheshire cat grin Joannie's response was, "But of course!"  But then again who doesn't like Cheese, right, unless of course you are lactose intolerant or allergic.
  I then told her the story of the first laugh, she ever did for me when she was awake.  She has always had this infectious laugh, that could make anyone smile.  At first she would only laugh in her sleep.  Then one day, she laughed as one of our cats was sniffing her bare toes and the other was sniffing her head.  I swore that on that day a million fairies must of been born.
  These are the moments I treasure and share with my beautiful girls. While, I do wish the rest of my heavenly children were here.  I find myself excited about what is yet to come.  I honestly never thought, I would ever get married after my string of not so great luck with men.  I had resolved to never marry and on my 30th birthday, go to a sperm bank and have a child that way.  But when I was 25 years old, I believe my doctor told me to quit trying to have children because I would never have any children of my own.  Life did not turn out the way I had planned for it to turn out. No, I believe God's plans were far more amazing than the ones I could foretell.
    The process of my grief has never been an easy one, and as I near another one of my heavenly children's Angelversary, on February 12th.  I am reminded of how far I've come.  I can't tell you that the grief of a child lessens with time, because it doesn't. What I can tell you, is that I know without a doubt I will see all of my angels in heaven with my Uncle Bryan, Miss Judy, my birth mom, my nanas, and all my other loved ones whom have gone on befor me.  Some days, my bad ones, I long for and ache for those moments when I will hold all my children in my arms.  On my better days, I anticipate and wait for those moments of joy that will be on their faces when I am there with them.  But most days, I pray to God that my two beautiful girls will never know what it is like to lose a child before they take their first breath.  I pray to God that maybe He might bless me with a grandson, as I so desperately long for a boy.  Maybe, my girls will name him after their father, as I so desperately wanted to name our first born baby boy.
   But for now, I treasure the moments that are sweet and tender with my two very beautiful rainbow babies.  Life couldn't be anymore sweeter, than it is right here and right now.  Wishing and praying that you have a blessed day and some day a rainbow of your own to soothe your tears and pain.  Sharing my rainbows and angels with you all.  May God bless you.

Finding Blessing's In The Little Things

  Tomorrow is my birthday, and with that day comes an Angel Anniversary only two days after my birthday.  This year instead of looking at this day with dread, I find myself looking at this day seeing the blessings of the very little things.  Yes, I would of loved to have little Christopher Lani, here to join in the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ while playing with his two sisters.  But I also realize, that had Christopher stayed with us, I may not have had my Gabriella and I may not have been alive to share these brief thoughts with you. 
   I pray every day for every woman and man who has ever lost a child or children.  Because I know what a profound affect that has on you as a person.  If you have the honor of being an acquaintance, friend, or bosom buddy of mine then you will also know that I pray that each parent who has lost a child through infant loss born or unborn will be able to have their own rainbow baby some day.
     I am blessed you see because I have two very sweet wonderful little girls.  While my heart may yearn to give my husband a son.  I realize, that this is not the will of God right now.  I am blessed because I have the love and support of family, friends, and friends who are like family to me.  I share a bond with many women and men.  I pray that all of you may find peace and comfort this holiday season, to see what truly matters.  May God be with and bless each of you.  May each of you find the blessings in the littlest things, because it is in these blessing that you are able to truly understand the bigger things.  The amazement of a child, as they here the Christmas story for the first time in wonder and awe.  The joy and laughter of family and friends as you gather to sing Christmas songs.  While some of you may not feel like celebrating, know that your little one is in Heaven with their God and Maker celebrating our Messiah's birth with the Angels.

   Wishing each one of you a very Merry Christmas filled with love and peace!  May your New Year be filled with more joys than tears! In the words of Tiny Tim from The Christmas Carol, "God bless us, everyone!"

Allowing Bitterness to Become Bittersweet

  Let me first start by saying, I'm sorry it has been awhile since I posted here. However, life has been very busy with my two wonderful rainbows.  I recently felt the need to join a small group at my church, and the only one that seems to work with my schedule is a women only one.  They meet on Sunday night at 6:00PM, we pray, encourage, listen to one another, read The Bible, and follow a Bible study done by Beth Moore.  The Bible Study we are doing is, A Woman's Heart : God's Dwelling Place, if you haven't looked into this I would strongly recommend this to any Christian Church looking for women's Bible Study material.  We are on week 2 day 2, today's Bible Lesson was on about when God turns the bitter waters of Marah (which translated mean bitter) into sweet water.
  One of the heart questions, was how has God changed something bitter into your life into something bittersweet.  This question for me was so easy to answer, God allowed me to have my miscarriages so that I can truly treasure the two wonderful earthly children I have here. But then the lesson went on to speak about forgiveness and God satisfying our thirst. Today, I'm going to focus on what I believe God wants me to share with all of you allowing the bitterness about losing a child to become something more and turn into something that is truly sweet or bittersweet.
   If you had told me when I was going through my sadness or bitterness, some day I would look back and see it for something positive.  I would of probably told you to walk in my shoes before you judge me.  I probably would of gotten very angry and been defensive over where I was in my child loss journey.  I would of told you, you don't understand what it is like to want something so bad you dream of it at night and each time have it just taken away from you.  I would of probably done and said so much, most of which would of been hurtful and judgmental.  If we would then fast forward to where I am today on my child loss journey, I would agree with that person.
   Why is this, you may ask yourself. It is now because I have two beautiful, loving, caring, and sweet little girls to wrap my aching arms around. I celebrate their milestones and accomplishments with a bittersweet reminder of their siblings.  I do find myself thinking of their siblings, on their birthdays, on holidays, and on the dates that I lost each one of them. I firmly believe after today's Bible lesson, that God has given me the bitterness in life, so that I can truly appreciate all the sweetness that has come after that bitterness.  It is my prayer that you may find and appreciate the sweetness that life has to offer after the bitterness of your child loss.

  Sharing my child loss journey with you, may you find the sweetness in life today! God's Blessings be upon you and your house.

Just One Of Those Moments

      I'm sure some of you have a place where you go, and you can remember the first time you stepped foot into this place. Have you ever just sat there and replayed those events in your mind? Well, this past Saturday, was my youngest, Gabriella's first birthday. Instead of being at home, spending it with her. I was getting the fellowship hall at our church ready. I boiled off the pasta for the macaroni and cheese, which I made all from scratch except for the macaroni. I set up the tables and chairs all by myself, not because I'm supermom, but because I needed to keep myself busy so I wouldn't think about the two angels whom I have waiting for me in heaven.  You see, my 1 year old birthday is bittersweet, it's also the anniversary of when I lost my two twins.  I was so alone then, today I'm not.  I felt so broken, unwanted, unloved by the man who was supposed to love me then, today I'm happily married to a wonderful man and father.  But I had two little lives that were counting on me.  So, this past Saturday, I sat down to take a break for a bit and called a family friend back who had called to wish Gabriella, a wonderful birthday.

       After the phone call, I was sitting in our fellowship hall and my mind started playing all the times, I had been to this building. I was here on my honeymoon in 2008, as a new bride traveling to meet my husband's family. I was shy, quiet, reserve, and very nervous about if his' family would like me. Approximately 2 years ago, we moved to Pittsburgh, PA and I started attending this church with my then 6 month old baby girl. I replayed in my mind her baby dedication with her grandpa, great aunt, and great uncle looking on. Fast forward, to when Chris and I joined the church. Quickly, in my mind I jumped forward again, to when Chris and I announce our pregnancy with our lovely, Gabriella. Little did we know then, that she was going to be a girl who would change our lives. Little did we know then that she would be our last child. My mind moved forward to her baby shower, where we introduced her to our church family.  I moved forward again in my mind to her baby dedication.  Now, here I sit, planning her first birthday party.

       All this got me thinking about how many bridal showers, baby showers, engagement parties, birthday parties, wedding receptions, and various different events this church has seen. What would these walls say if they could talk? What would the building say if it could talk? Then I realized, that I am a part of the church, the church isn't just a building it's me! It's me in how I treat my children. It's me in how I treat my family. It's me in how I treat a complete stranger. I am the body of Christ, I am His' Church, and I am His' Bride. The Church is the Bride of Christ. Then shouldn't our lives demonstrate this to others. I have loved and lost, but who knows this very few close friends and my church. Does anyone else besides my church know the reason I write? The reason I blog? That I even blog at all?

I'm not someone who wants to be recognized, but I am someone who believes that God has me here for a purpose, just like the fellowship hall has a purpose. I may not know what my purpose is right now. I may not ever realize in my lifetime what my purpose was. But I know that no matter what I do, I am right now fulfilling God's purpose as a mother to my two beautiful young girls. And that for me is just one of those moments in life that I am learning to be content with.

        May we all have the moments in life, that are just one of those moments that we look and reflect on. May we all have just one of those moments in life always!

 

The Quite After the Storm

  I've spent my life often wondering, how and why we ended up in certain places that we could not have ever imagined we'd end up. An example of this is, right now, I'm writing from a beautiful summery kind of day in Southeastern Pennsylvania.  I never imagined, when I was growing up and younger that I would ever travel 3,000 plus miles away from all I knew and loved. Yet here I sit, now 31 years of age, living in a 100+ year old home listening to the giggles of my children or the silence as their father takes them on walks.  I never imagined, that I would be 31 years old, have to make some difficult decision regarding future children. I never imagined, having children would be entirely difficult for me to do. I never imagined, that I'd be close to death more than once in my life. But I was always pretty sure, I knew I would find a man who would love me the way I needed and deserved to be loved.

   I call this moment in time right now the quiet after the storm, because we've had a lot go on since my last post back in December. The Christmas & New Year came and went for us, with visits from our loved ones. A surprise visit with my father-in-law, whom I actually got to spend a great deal of time talking to. Valentine's day was next, and I must say it was my very first Valentine's Day, which was the absolute best. Usually I have bad luck with Valentine's Day, but for some reason this year was spectacular. St. Patrick's Day was then celebrated by us, why? Because we are a good Irish family, despite how Asian I look in within my Japanese heritage, I am indeed part Irish along with my husband. We embrace our Irish roots quite a bit, despite our French sounding family name. More recently, we celebrated Palm Sunday, Good Friday, and Easter without the Easter Bunny but with the true meaning of Easter in our Christian tradition. Many of our holidays were spent with family and loved ones. I have been feeling exceptionally blessed right now.
   In the middle of all the holidays, we had some family emergencies. Our first born, Joannie, had surgery on her foot. Cosmetic, as some may call it, but it was surgery none the less to remove an extra toe or digit (as the doctor's refer to it.) Then Chris, my dear husband, had an accident at work with a hose that splashed chemicals on his face. Thankfully that wasn't as serious, as it could of been, and a lot of prayers were answered with that one. Then during a routine visit to the OB, a health concern that was gradually getting worse came up. I was in a lot of pain, losing a lot of energy, lacking an appetite, and some other symptoms that suggested some rather serious was going on. After running some test, which were requested by my OB, it was discovered that I had uterine fibroids growing inside my uterine wall. Because I have additional health concerns, my OB's advice was for a partial hysterectomy or to have an IUD put in place. During our second and last daughter's birth, we had been advised against having any additional pregnancies for many health reasons. So my tubes were tied, which I wasn't fully prepared for physically or mentally how I would react to that. Since then, I've been seeing a wonderful Therapist, who has been helping me in my healing process. This time was different though, I knew this was the end and we would have no more children of our own.  In my mind, I would love to have more children, but my body just won't allow me. Pregnancies and my earthly body don't get a long. Out of 5 pregnancies, I only have 2 live births. I am eternally grateful to God for the children that I do have and I am learning to accept that my children in Heaven for some reason or another were not meant to spend their time here on earth. It's the accepting of that which has been extremely difficult for me, but I am slowing working on accepting those losses.
   During my surgery for my partial hysterectomy, I had the most wonderful experience. Even though it may have been brief, I went to Heaven and saw my children, my loved ones, and my family. My children spoke to me telling me.."Everything will be okay now, Mommy. You can be happy now. We are okay and we love you." I got to see my birth mom, my aunt (who just recently passed away), and everyone I know. I was in awe of how beautiful everything was. The peace, the love, and happiness that is in Heaven is so wonderful. I can't imagine any place that is more spectacular than Heaven is. To describe Heaven, I would have to say there are no words to describe this amazing place, that would do Heaven any justice. It is far more beautiful, than I could imagine. More beautiful, than any tropical paradise or beach at sunrise or sunset.  The Heaven, I saw was full of grace, peace, love, acceptance, and everything so amazing. I feel blessed to have had this experience. Yet, I feel that my stay or visit there was really brief. But it is in that glimpse of glory, wonder, and awe that I am inspired to share this story with others. The next thing, I remember is a nurse in the recovery room calling my name. I remember thinking, "God, I really don't want to leave here. But my two beautiful rainbow girls need their mother." I gradually opened my eyes, I guess I started crying because the nurse asked me what was wrong. Before I even had a chance to say anything, she gave me pain medicine. My next coherent thought was I needed my Christopher. I needed to tell him what had happened, but would he believe me? I waited to tell my husband about my experience, until I had been home a few days. I needed time to think about things and process it. I mean after all maybe it was just a dream or maybe an illusion in my subconscious. But as much as I processed it I finally realized there was no argument about it. I really had an amazing experience that I had to share with him. I finally told Chris about my experience and his response was, "Jenny, I'm glad you came back to us. I can't imagine my life without you." I told him, "Chris, I really didn't want to wake up. But I couldn't imagine being anywhere without our girls and you."
    I believe with all my heart, that I am going to this amazing place that I visited. I will see all my loved ones again. I will be in Heaven some day, and this knowledge makes me want to share this experience with everyone. I'm guarded with who I tell about this experience because I don't want to be judged or ridiculed. So for now, I am sharing this with you my support group and fellow mourners in the loss of your children. I hope this gives just one of you hope. There is a wonderful place, and your children are their.

   Hug and love. Live and laugh. Rejoice and Smile. My thoughts and prayers are with each of you as you travel through your storms and calms of life and loss. God Bless you!

Holiday time and loss

 Whether it's the loss of a child, a miscarriage, a still birth, or the loss of a loved one. All of us to some extent may experience at some point the mourning of someone who has gone on. For me, as a Christian, I celebrate Christmas. The birth of Jesus, the miracle of life.  The birth of any child is special, but right now, knowing that there will be no more children for me makes this Christmas especially difficult. I'm doing my best to put on a cheery face for my girls, but part of me wonders the how, whats, whoms, and whys of my angel babies. I wonder, how our tiny family Christmas would be different with all my children here. I wonder, what my other children would want for Christmas. I wonder whom would be spending Christmas with me and my children. I also wonder why me? Why? When there are so many other people out there in the world who don't take care or love their children am I the one that is deemed to be cursed, so to speak with no more children.
   I wonder and ponder many things, but I know without a doubt that my children's Christmas will be the best one that I can make it. Because after all, Christmas is for them and not for me.

Wishing you all a very warm Christmas and New Year.

Hang in there we will get through this journey together! I'll be lighting a candle for my angels on Christmas Eve, I suggest everyone else do the same.

Hugs and Prayers

Jenn C.