Allowing Bitterness to Become Bittersweet

  Let me first start by saying, I'm sorry it has been awhile since I posted here. However, life has been very busy with my two wonderful rainbows.  I recently felt the need to join a small group at my church, and the only one that seems to work with my schedule is a women only one.  They meet on Sunday night at 6:00PM, we pray, encourage, listen to one another, read The Bible, and follow a Bible study done by Beth Moore.  The Bible Study we are doing is, A Woman's Heart : God's Dwelling Place, if you haven't looked into this I would strongly recommend this to any Christian Church looking for women's Bible Study material.  We are on week 2 day 2, today's Bible Lesson was on about when God turns the bitter waters of Marah (which translated mean bitter) into sweet water.
  One of the heart questions, was how has God changed something bitter into your life into something bittersweet.  This question for me was so easy to answer, God allowed me to have my miscarriages so that I can truly treasure the two wonderful earthly children I have here. But then the lesson went on to speak about forgiveness and God satisfying our thirst. Today, I'm going to focus on what I believe God wants me to share with all of you allowing the bitterness about losing a child to become something more and turn into something that is truly sweet or bittersweet.
   If you had told me when I was going through my sadness or bitterness, some day I would look back and see it for something positive.  I would of probably told you to walk in my shoes before you judge me.  I probably would of gotten very angry and been defensive over where I was in my child loss journey.  I would of told you, you don't understand what it is like to want something so bad you dream of it at night and each time have it just taken away from you.  I would of probably done and said so much, most of which would of been hurtful and judgmental.  If we would then fast forward to where I am today on my child loss journey, I would agree with that person.
   Why is this, you may ask yourself. It is now because I have two beautiful, loving, caring, and sweet little girls to wrap my aching arms around. I celebrate their milestones and accomplishments with a bittersweet reminder of their siblings.  I do find myself thinking of their siblings, on their birthdays, on holidays, and on the dates that I lost each one of them. I firmly believe after today's Bible lesson, that God has given me the bitterness in life, so that I can truly appreciate all the sweetness that has come after that bitterness.  It is my prayer that you may find and appreciate the sweetness that life has to offer after the bitterness of your child loss.

  Sharing my child loss journey with you, may you find the sweetness in life today! God's Blessings be upon you and your house.

Just One Of Those Moments

      I'm sure some of you have a place where you go, and you can remember the first time you stepped foot into this place. Have you ever just sat there and replayed those events in your mind? Well, this past Saturday, was my youngest, Gabriella's first birthday. Instead of being at home, spending it with her. I was getting the fellowship hall at our church ready. I boiled off the pasta for the macaroni and cheese, which I made all from scratch except for the macaroni. I set up the tables and chairs all by myself, not because I'm supermom, but because I needed to keep myself busy so I wouldn't think about the two angels whom I have waiting for me in heaven.  You see, my 1 year old birthday is bittersweet, it's also the anniversary of when I lost my two twins.  I was so alone then, today I'm not.  I felt so broken, unwanted, unloved by the man who was supposed to love me then, today I'm happily married to a wonderful man and father.  But I had two little lives that were counting on me.  So, this past Saturday, I sat down to take a break for a bit and called a family friend back who had called to wish Gabriella, a wonderful birthday.

       After the phone call, I was sitting in our fellowship hall and my mind started playing all the times, I had been to this building. I was here on my honeymoon in 2008, as a new bride traveling to meet my husband's family. I was shy, quiet, reserve, and very nervous about if his' family would like me. Approximately 2 years ago, we moved to Pittsburgh, PA and I started attending this church with my then 6 month old baby girl. I replayed in my mind her baby dedication with her grandpa, great aunt, and great uncle looking on. Fast forward, to when Chris and I joined the church. Quickly, in my mind I jumped forward again, to when Chris and I announce our pregnancy with our lovely, Gabriella. Little did we know then, that she was going to be a girl who would change our lives. Little did we know then that she would be our last child. My mind moved forward to her baby shower, where we introduced her to our church family.  I moved forward again in my mind to her baby dedication.  Now, here I sit, planning her first birthday party.

       All this got me thinking about how many bridal showers, baby showers, engagement parties, birthday parties, wedding receptions, and various different events this church has seen. What would these walls say if they could talk? What would the building say if it could talk? Then I realized, that I am a part of the church, the church isn't just a building it's me! It's me in how I treat my children. It's me in how I treat my family. It's me in how I treat a complete stranger. I am the body of Christ, I am His' Church, and I am His' Bride. The Church is the Bride of Christ. Then shouldn't our lives demonstrate this to others. I have loved and lost, but who knows this very few close friends and my church. Does anyone else besides my church know the reason I write? The reason I blog? That I even blog at all?

I'm not someone who wants to be recognized, but I am someone who believes that God has me here for a purpose, just like the fellowship hall has a purpose. I may not know what my purpose is right now. I may not ever realize in my lifetime what my purpose was. But I know that no matter what I do, I am right now fulfilling God's purpose as a mother to my two beautiful young girls. And that for me is just one of those moments in life that I am learning to be content with.

        May we all have the moments in life, that are just one of those moments that we look and reflect on. May we all have just one of those moments in life always!

 

The Quite After the Storm

  I've spent my life often wondering, how and why we ended up in certain places that we could not have ever imagined we'd end up. An example of this is, right now, I'm writing from a beautiful summery kind of day in Southeastern Pennsylvania.  I never imagined, when I was growing up and younger that I would ever travel 3,000 plus miles away from all I knew and loved. Yet here I sit, now 31 years of age, living in a 100+ year old home listening to the giggles of my children or the silence as their father takes them on walks.  I never imagined, that I would be 31 years old, have to make some difficult decision regarding future children. I never imagined, having children would be entirely difficult for me to do. I never imagined, that I'd be close to death more than once in my life. But I was always pretty sure, I knew I would find a man who would love me the way I needed and deserved to be loved.

   I call this moment in time right now the quiet after the storm, because we've had a lot go on since my last post back in December. The Christmas & New Year came and went for us, with visits from our loved ones. A surprise visit with my father-in-law, whom I actually got to spend a great deal of time talking to. Valentine's day was next, and I must say it was my very first Valentine's Day, which was the absolute best. Usually I have bad luck with Valentine's Day, but for some reason this year was spectacular. St. Patrick's Day was then celebrated by us, why? Because we are a good Irish family, despite how Asian I look in within my Japanese heritage, I am indeed part Irish along with my husband. We embrace our Irish roots quite a bit, despite our French sounding family name. More recently, we celebrated Palm Sunday, Good Friday, and Easter without the Easter Bunny but with the true meaning of Easter in our Christian tradition. Many of our holidays were spent with family and loved ones. I have been feeling exceptionally blessed right now.
   In the middle of all the holidays, we had some family emergencies. Our first born, Joannie, had surgery on her foot. Cosmetic, as some may call it, but it was surgery none the less to remove an extra toe or digit (as the doctor's refer to it.) Then Chris, my dear husband, had an accident at work with a hose that splashed chemicals on his face. Thankfully that wasn't as serious, as it could of been, and a lot of prayers were answered with that one. Then during a routine visit to the OB, a health concern that was gradually getting worse came up. I was in a lot of pain, losing a lot of energy, lacking an appetite, and some other symptoms that suggested some rather serious was going on. After running some test, which were requested by my OB, it was discovered that I had uterine fibroids growing inside my uterine wall. Because I have additional health concerns, my OB's advice was for a partial hysterectomy or to have an IUD put in place. During our second and last daughter's birth, we had been advised against having any additional pregnancies for many health reasons. So my tubes were tied, which I wasn't fully prepared for physically or mentally how I would react to that. Since then, I've been seeing a wonderful Therapist, who has been helping me in my healing process. This time was different though, I knew this was the end and we would have no more children of our own.  In my mind, I would love to have more children, but my body just won't allow me. Pregnancies and my earthly body don't get a long. Out of 5 pregnancies, I only have 2 live births. I am eternally grateful to God for the children that I do have and I am learning to accept that my children in Heaven for some reason or another were not meant to spend their time here on earth. It's the accepting of that which has been extremely difficult for me, but I am slowing working on accepting those losses.
   During my surgery for my partial hysterectomy, I had the most wonderful experience. Even though it may have been brief, I went to Heaven and saw my children, my loved ones, and my family. My children spoke to me telling me.."Everything will be okay now, Mommy. You can be happy now. We are okay and we love you." I got to see my birth mom, my aunt (who just recently passed away), and everyone I know. I was in awe of how beautiful everything was. The peace, the love, and happiness that is in Heaven is so wonderful. I can't imagine any place that is more spectacular than Heaven is. To describe Heaven, I would have to say there are no words to describe this amazing place, that would do Heaven any justice. It is far more beautiful, than I could imagine. More beautiful, than any tropical paradise or beach at sunrise or sunset.  The Heaven, I saw was full of grace, peace, love, acceptance, and everything so amazing. I feel blessed to have had this experience. Yet, I feel that my stay or visit there was really brief. But it is in that glimpse of glory, wonder, and awe that I am inspired to share this story with others. The next thing, I remember is a nurse in the recovery room calling my name. I remember thinking, "God, I really don't want to leave here. But my two beautiful rainbow girls need their mother." I gradually opened my eyes, I guess I started crying because the nurse asked me what was wrong. Before I even had a chance to say anything, she gave me pain medicine. My next coherent thought was I needed my Christopher. I needed to tell him what had happened, but would he believe me? I waited to tell my husband about my experience, until I had been home a few days. I needed time to think about things and process it. I mean after all maybe it was just a dream or maybe an illusion in my subconscious. But as much as I processed it I finally realized there was no argument about it. I really had an amazing experience that I had to share with him. I finally told Chris about my experience and his response was, "Jenny, I'm glad you came back to us. I can't imagine my life without you." I told him, "Chris, I really didn't want to wake up. But I couldn't imagine being anywhere without our girls and you."
    I believe with all my heart, that I am going to this amazing place that I visited. I will see all my loved ones again. I will be in Heaven some day, and this knowledge makes me want to share this experience with everyone. I'm guarded with who I tell about this experience because I don't want to be judged or ridiculed. So for now, I am sharing this with you my support group and fellow mourners in the loss of your children. I hope this gives just one of you hope. There is a wonderful place, and your children are their.

   Hug and love. Live and laugh. Rejoice and Smile. My thoughts and prayers are with each of you as you travel through your storms and calms of life and loss. God Bless you!

Holiday time and loss

 Whether it's the loss of a child, a miscarriage, a still birth, or the loss of a loved one. All of us to some extent may experience at some point the mourning of someone who has gone on. For me, as a Christian, I celebrate Christmas. The birth of Jesus, the miracle of life.  The birth of any child is special, but right now, knowing that there will be no more children for me makes this Christmas especially difficult. I'm doing my best to put on a cheery face for my girls, but part of me wonders the how, whats, whoms, and whys of my angel babies. I wonder, how our tiny family Christmas would be different with all my children here. I wonder, what my other children would want for Christmas. I wonder whom would be spending Christmas with me and my children. I also wonder why me? Why? When there are so many other people out there in the world who don't take care or love their children am I the one that is deemed to be cursed, so to speak with no more children.
   I wonder and ponder many things, but I know without a doubt that my children's Christmas will be the best one that I can make it. Because after all, Christmas is for them and not for me.

Wishing you all a very warm Christmas and New Year.

Hang in there we will get through this journey together! I'll be lighting a candle for my angels on Christmas Eve, I suggest everyone else do the same.

Hugs and Prayers

Jenn C.

A thought for today

I'm not sure what really to title the poem below. I wrote it for a child loss group I belong to on Facebook and well I decided to publish it here in my blog. I started writing this on the day that was exactly 3 years to the day that Christopher Lani grew his' wings and left the pregnancy too soon in the pregnancy. 

I think about you today, as I watch your twin sister play.
I think about you this hour, as I see the life that should of been your's.
I never got to hold you. I never got to see you. I never got to kiss you.
I did get to love you. I will love you always and forever, as long as that may seem.
I would trade places with you but your sisters they need me here.
Until I see you in Heaven, and kiss you sweet face.
Stay with God's and Grandparents who love and know you best.
Stay my sweet child, for one day I will meet you and greet you.
I'll spend eternity with you then and you'll know my love for you is forever and always.

Happy Wing Day, Christopher Lani Cormier, this is the first year we have a name for you. I wrote this poem just for you. It's been three years, and you are loved and missed.

I'm posting this today because I generally think about the post before posting it. Today, was my day spent with my therapist and I realize something. Maybe I'm over thinking some things way too much, but the one thing that I don't over think too much is the children that I miss. I pray every night before I go to sleep that God keeps me alive to see my grandchildren.  I pray that my daughters don't have to experience the same loss that I have with their siblings. I pray for guidance in how to raise my children up as good citizens, not only of this world but of God's everlasting kingdom.

These are just a few thoughts. Hugs to all of you out there. May you find some peace in your day.

Why Angels and Rainbows?

  So why Angels and Rainbows?  Well, good question, I believe for me angels symbolize my children who are not bound to this earth but are awaiting me in heaven. They are definitely my angels to me, they await being reunited with me and are with all those I love whom are in heaven. I believe rainbows, defines definitely my two lovely ladies, which they are to me on tough days when there is a storm billowing outside. A rainbow, in the Bible, was God's promise that He would never flood the whole entire earth again. For me, as I'm a Christian, these rainbow children are God's promise of a future. While God is teaching my children in Heaven all about me and the kind of person I am. I am teaching my little rainbows about Him and how blessed we are to have a loving Father as Him. I also believe that angels, things that defy logic, and comprehension of what we know to be true.
  

How I got here?

   Recently, I started going to a writers breakfast group, hoping to work on a children's bedtime story. What I didn't know is this would be the start of my journey of writing. Not for anyone else, but for me. I am currently a stay-at-home mom, who’s usually busy making dinner for my family.  My days are often filled with taking my children or myself to various doctors’ appointments, my husband to any of his appointments, or driving him to and from work. While this is my first post for this blog, this is not my only blog. I'm doing this as a separate blog, in hopes that this will be an outlet in which I can share my journey and possibly use it for the basis of a book I'm planning on writing.
  I have few things in life I share in detail with others. However, I am going to share something rather personal with those of you who wish to read this blog. Lately, I've been quite vocal about my past miscarriages. I believe this is something most parents/families do not discuss at all. Far too often when it occurs, various individuals’ natural reaction is to sweep it underneath the rug, so to speak. We urge parents to move on and “just get over it already.”  Having gone through this myself, I know what it is like to have people who care about me say hurtful statements, like “just forget it happened” or “just get over it.”  Now, some of you may wonder, what is she talking about? I'm referring to the death of a child, no matter how early or late they are lost. Mostly I'm referring to miscarriage, which I have personal experience and knowledge about.
   I am by no means an expert on the topic, and I don't know why I had mine, other than a few things one doctor told me when I was 24 years old following my 2nd miscarriage with twins. I do however have personal experience in dealing with the loss of a life that would have been. Until recently, I honestly thought I had moved on past my losses to my two living children. My fifth and final pregnancy was a somewhat normal pregnancy for me, with the exclusion of severe morning sickness. It was an easy pregnancy, other than having to test my sugar twice a day, due to a history of gestational diabetes. I never thought this would be my last pregnancy; I had always hoped for more children. After all, I was trying to have a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean Delivery). But God, or life, had other plans. Gabriella, wound up being a transverse breech child, meaning her head and feet were in my ribs. If she had been traditional breech then the doctor would have been able to try and turn her to get her in position for birth. At this point, I had already been in labor for nearly 4 days.  So, due to the estimated weight of the baby and my inability to eat or sleep, we scheduled an early Cesarean. Because my contractions were so close together, I was rushed from my doctor's office to the Labor and Delivery area, and prepped for a rush surgery.  I do thank God for guiding my doctors and anesthesiologist during the C-Section. With a history of low blood pressure, it became a serious issue during this delivery. I also lost quite a bit of blood from the placenta when they removed it. I have adverse reaction to epidurals, which are necessary with a C-Section. We made a decision when we were pregnant that if this pregnancy was a C-Section delivery, I would have my tubes tied. Later, our anesthesiologist agreed that he wouldn’t advise any further pregnancies because of my low blood pressure and reaction to the epidural. So, we had my tubes tied during the c-section for Gabriella.
    My inability to have any more children of my own makes me yearn for the ones I lost early on in my pregnancies. I spent a lot of time crying, and still cry at the drop of a hat, because I didn't seek the help I needed to go through the grieving process. I blame myself for not giving Chris a son, even though he is happy and fine with his two beautiful daughters. I wonder sometimes, what Joannie's twin, Christopher Lani Cormier (this is a name we chose for him rather recently) would be doing. I see him and my other children in my dreams along with my mom, mother-in-law, and grandparents. I find I am not alone in this. There are those who would tell me, "But look at the two children you have and consider yourself lucky you don't have the added burden of extra mouths to feed." They obviously don't know how badly Chris and I both wanted a family and wanted each one of our children including the ones that weren't his. Chris told me a long time ago, that he would have loved and cared for them as if they were his very own.
   When I was 24 years old, I was told to give up the notion of becoming a mother.  Because I would never be able to have children of my own, I might as well adjust to that idea. A while passed, and I met my current husband. He was unsure if he could even have children, so he was tested before we got married. At this point, I already had 2 miscarriages, one of which was my twins. We found out then that the possibility of us never having children was 99.99%. In December of 2008, on my birthday, we found out we were pregnant! Two days later, I miscarried that child. While I was having my miscarriage, the nurse had me pee in a cup while they did blood work. They rushed it and it was negative, she turned to me and told me "You're not pregnant just having really bad cramps and your period. I don't need to see the tissue sample you brought in. Go home and get some rest. You're probably just stressed out."  So I went home, only to find out a week later on a routine pap smear, that indeed I was pregnant and did indeed have a miscarriage. My doctor ran some test to see why I had a miscarriage and wasn't carrying to term but nothing came up ... instead, since I was still sick, I took a home pregnancy test and almost passed out. I was still pregnant; this little rainbow was indeed a miracle, for we had lost her twin and not her. We had her in October of 2009, and she is now a healthy and vibrant child. I think about my angels every day and wonder how they would love their sisters (my rainbow children). I realize not everyone's journey is a happy one, but this is how I got here and why I share this with you. If you have ever lost a child no matter what the circumstances, I urge you to request to join this group on Facebook: October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group - Closed Group. They have been a wonderful source of encouragement and support for me. I hope we can all enjoy our journeys together.