Allowing Time To Grieve

      In my opinion, there is a definite cycle to life all beginning at conception and ultimately ending with our death.  Somewhere in this straight line, we as humans give the gift of life to other humans through birth, which is what keeps the cycle of life going.  I also find that in life, we experience pain.  If we allow ourselves the chance to grieve healthy, then we will thrive.  If we find ourselves stuck in our grief, then we should seek out professional assistance.

     Shortly, after the birth of my second miracle baby, I found myself immensely burdened with the pain of not being able to have anymore children and the loss of my 5 sweet precious children.  I felt overwhelmingly sad, weary, and down trodden.  So I sought out for myself, in hopes of being a better mom, the professional help of a grief counselor.  I choose one that was not covered under my insurance because for me it was extremely important that this grief counselor specialize in child loss, miscarriage, and/or infant loss.

    So, every Wednesday at 12:00 PM until 1:00 PM, I would meet with my grief counselor until about a year ago.  Not because I didn't feel the need to seek the grief counselor's assistance anymore.  But rather because I could no longer afford the sessions.  I also found that in time, this individual gave me the tools I needed to grieve properly and to allow myself to move on towards a better future.

   I come from a background of such profound loss early on in my life.  I never got the proper counseling as a child because my adopted family did not see the need for professional counseling or assistance.  I did seek out a counselor when I was 23 or 24 years old on my own insurance.  This proved to be exceptionally effective in aiding me with the pattern for most of my romantic attachments at that time.  I found myself constantly involved in abusive relationships.  One of these relationships resulted in the miscarriage of one of my 5 angels. 

   Lately, as I prepare for the next chapter in my life which involves a move and no longer being a stay at home mom.  I find that I am extremely greatful for the time I have had to seek the assistance that I needed.  I find that I am extremely blessed to have had two very wonderful counselors.  Both of which never offered me any advice, but helped me to move on past my pain and to grieve in my own terms along with it being on my own time.

   I am also so very, very, very greatful for the opportunity to blog about it regardless of how many people read this blog or not.  This is just about one woman's journey in child loss..and I thank you all for being there to experience it with me.

A Life Unexpected

   As Gabriella is getting older, Joannie sees her little sister's many firsts.  She has a tendency to get upset over how much attention her little sister is getting instead of her.  We try an explain to her, that sometimes in life it's not all about what I want or having the attention all on me.  Instead things are about others.  I've started telling Miss Joannie bedtime stories, that are about my earliest memories of her.  Tonight, she wanted to hear about when she was her sister's age.  So I told her that her favorite word to refer to any food when she was 18 months old was "Cheese! Please!" I asked her, "Is this still your favorite food?" With a Cheshire cat grin Joannie's response was, "But of course!"  But then again who doesn't like Cheese, right, unless of course you are lactose intolerant or allergic.
  I then told her the story of the first laugh, she ever did for me when she was awake.  She has always had this infectious laugh, that could make anyone smile.  At first she would only laugh in her sleep.  Then one day, she laughed as one of our cats was sniffing her bare toes and the other was sniffing her head.  I swore that on that day a million fairies must of been born.
  These are the moments I treasure and share with my beautiful girls. While, I do wish the rest of my heavenly children were here.  I find myself excited about what is yet to come.  I honestly never thought, I would ever get married after my string of not so great luck with men.  I had resolved to never marry and on my 30th birthday, go to a sperm bank and have a child that way.  But when I was 25 years old, I believe my doctor told me to quit trying to have children because I would never have any children of my own.  Life did not turn out the way I had planned for it to turn out. No, I believe God's plans were far more amazing than the ones I could foretell.
    The process of my grief has never been an easy one, and as I near another one of my heavenly children's Angelversary, on February 12th.  I am reminded of how far I've come.  I can't tell you that the grief of a child lessens with time, because it doesn't. What I can tell you, is that I know without a doubt I will see all of my angels in heaven with my Uncle Bryan, Miss Judy, my birth mom, my nanas, and all my other loved ones whom have gone on befor me.  Some days, my bad ones, I long for and ache for those moments when I will hold all my children in my arms.  On my better days, I anticipate and wait for those moments of joy that will be on their faces when I am there with them.  But most days, I pray to God that my two beautiful girls will never know what it is like to lose a child before they take their first breath.  I pray to God that maybe He might bless me with a grandson, as I so desperately long for a boy.  Maybe, my girls will name him after their father, as I so desperately wanted to name our first born baby boy.
   But for now, I treasure the moments that are sweet and tender with my two very beautiful rainbow babies.  Life couldn't be anymore sweeter, than it is right here and right now.  Wishing and praying that you have a blessed day and some day a rainbow of your own to soothe your tears and pain.  Sharing my rainbows and angels with you all.  May God bless you.