Holiday time and loss

 Whether it's the loss of a child, a miscarriage, a still birth, or the loss of a loved one. All of us to some extent may experience at some point the mourning of someone who has gone on. For me, as a Christian, I celebrate Christmas. The birth of Jesus, the miracle of life.  The birth of any child is special, but right now, knowing that there will be no more children for me makes this Christmas especially difficult. I'm doing my best to put on a cheery face for my girls, but part of me wonders the how, whats, whoms, and whys of my angel babies. I wonder, how our tiny family Christmas would be different with all my children here. I wonder, what my other children would want for Christmas. I wonder whom would be spending Christmas with me and my children. I also wonder why me? Why? When there are so many other people out there in the world who don't take care or love their children am I the one that is deemed to be cursed, so to speak with no more children.
   I wonder and ponder many things, but I know without a doubt that my children's Christmas will be the best one that I can make it. Because after all, Christmas is for them and not for me.

Wishing you all a very warm Christmas and New Year.

Hang in there we will get through this journey together! I'll be lighting a candle for my angels on Christmas Eve, I suggest everyone else do the same.

Hugs and Prayers

Jenn C.

A thought for today

I'm not sure what really to title the poem below. I wrote it for a child loss group I belong to on Facebook and well I decided to publish it here in my blog. I started writing this on the day that was exactly 3 years to the day that Christopher Lani grew his' wings and left the pregnancy too soon in the pregnancy. 

I think about you today, as I watch your twin sister play.
I think about you this hour, as I see the life that should of been your's.
I never got to hold you. I never got to see you. I never got to kiss you.
I did get to love you. I will love you always and forever, as long as that may seem.
I would trade places with you but your sisters they need me here.
Until I see you in Heaven, and kiss you sweet face.
Stay with God's and Grandparents who love and know you best.
Stay my sweet child, for one day I will meet you and greet you.
I'll spend eternity with you then and you'll know my love for you is forever and always.

Happy Wing Day, Christopher Lani Cormier, this is the first year we have a name for you. I wrote this poem just for you. It's been three years, and you are loved and missed.

I'm posting this today because I generally think about the post before posting it. Today, was my day spent with my therapist and I realize something. Maybe I'm over thinking some things way too much, but the one thing that I don't over think too much is the children that I miss. I pray every night before I go to sleep that God keeps me alive to see my grandchildren.  I pray that my daughters don't have to experience the same loss that I have with their siblings. I pray for guidance in how to raise my children up as good citizens, not only of this world but of God's everlasting kingdom.

These are just a few thoughts. Hugs to all of you out there. May you find some peace in your day.

Why Angels and Rainbows?

  So why Angels and Rainbows?  Well, good question, I believe for me angels symbolize my children who are not bound to this earth but are awaiting me in heaven. They are definitely my angels to me, they await being reunited with me and are with all those I love whom are in heaven. I believe rainbows, defines definitely my two lovely ladies, which they are to me on tough days when there is a storm billowing outside. A rainbow, in the Bible, was God's promise that He would never flood the whole entire earth again. For me, as I'm a Christian, these rainbow children are God's promise of a future. While God is teaching my children in Heaven all about me and the kind of person I am. I am teaching my little rainbows about Him and how blessed we are to have a loving Father as Him. I also believe that angels, things that defy logic, and comprehension of what we know to be true.
  

How I got here?

   Recently, I started going to a writers breakfast group, hoping to work on a children's bedtime story. What I didn't know is this would be the start of my journey of writing. Not for anyone else, but for me. I am currently a stay-at-home mom, who’s usually busy making dinner for my family.  My days are often filled with taking my children or myself to various doctors’ appointments, my husband to any of his appointments, or driving him to and from work. While this is my first post for this blog, this is not my only blog. I'm doing this as a separate blog, in hopes that this will be an outlet in which I can share my journey and possibly use it for the basis of a book I'm planning on writing.
  I have few things in life I share in detail with others. However, I am going to share something rather personal with those of you who wish to read this blog. Lately, I've been quite vocal about my past miscarriages. I believe this is something most parents/families do not discuss at all. Far too often when it occurs, various individuals’ natural reaction is to sweep it underneath the rug, so to speak. We urge parents to move on and “just get over it already.”  Having gone through this myself, I know what it is like to have people who care about me say hurtful statements, like “just forget it happened” or “just get over it.”  Now, some of you may wonder, what is she talking about? I'm referring to the death of a child, no matter how early or late they are lost. Mostly I'm referring to miscarriage, which I have personal experience and knowledge about.
   I am by no means an expert on the topic, and I don't know why I had mine, other than a few things one doctor told me when I was 24 years old following my 2nd miscarriage with twins. I do however have personal experience in dealing with the loss of a life that would have been. Until recently, I honestly thought I had moved on past my losses to my two living children. My fifth and final pregnancy was a somewhat normal pregnancy for me, with the exclusion of severe morning sickness. It was an easy pregnancy, other than having to test my sugar twice a day, due to a history of gestational diabetes. I never thought this would be my last pregnancy; I had always hoped for more children. After all, I was trying to have a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean Delivery). But God, or life, had other plans. Gabriella, wound up being a transverse breech child, meaning her head and feet were in my ribs. If she had been traditional breech then the doctor would have been able to try and turn her to get her in position for birth. At this point, I had already been in labor for nearly 4 days.  So, due to the estimated weight of the baby and my inability to eat or sleep, we scheduled an early Cesarean. Because my contractions were so close together, I was rushed from my doctor's office to the Labor and Delivery area, and prepped for a rush surgery.  I do thank God for guiding my doctors and anesthesiologist during the C-Section. With a history of low blood pressure, it became a serious issue during this delivery. I also lost quite a bit of blood from the placenta when they removed it. I have adverse reaction to epidurals, which are necessary with a C-Section. We made a decision when we were pregnant that if this pregnancy was a C-Section delivery, I would have my tubes tied. Later, our anesthesiologist agreed that he wouldn’t advise any further pregnancies because of my low blood pressure and reaction to the epidural. So, we had my tubes tied during the c-section for Gabriella.
    My inability to have any more children of my own makes me yearn for the ones I lost early on in my pregnancies. I spent a lot of time crying, and still cry at the drop of a hat, because I didn't seek the help I needed to go through the grieving process. I blame myself for not giving Chris a son, even though he is happy and fine with his two beautiful daughters. I wonder sometimes, what Joannie's twin, Christopher Lani Cormier (this is a name we chose for him rather recently) would be doing. I see him and my other children in my dreams along with my mom, mother-in-law, and grandparents. I find I am not alone in this. There are those who would tell me, "But look at the two children you have and consider yourself lucky you don't have the added burden of extra mouths to feed." They obviously don't know how badly Chris and I both wanted a family and wanted each one of our children including the ones that weren't his. Chris told me a long time ago, that he would have loved and cared for them as if they were his very own.
   When I was 24 years old, I was told to give up the notion of becoming a mother.  Because I would never be able to have children of my own, I might as well adjust to that idea. A while passed, and I met my current husband. He was unsure if he could even have children, so he was tested before we got married. At this point, I already had 2 miscarriages, one of which was my twins. We found out then that the possibility of us never having children was 99.99%. In December of 2008, on my birthday, we found out we were pregnant! Two days later, I miscarried that child. While I was having my miscarriage, the nurse had me pee in a cup while they did blood work. They rushed it and it was negative, she turned to me and told me "You're not pregnant just having really bad cramps and your period. I don't need to see the tissue sample you brought in. Go home and get some rest. You're probably just stressed out."  So I went home, only to find out a week later on a routine pap smear, that indeed I was pregnant and did indeed have a miscarriage. My doctor ran some test to see why I had a miscarriage and wasn't carrying to term but nothing came up ... instead, since I was still sick, I took a home pregnancy test and almost passed out. I was still pregnant; this little rainbow was indeed a miracle, for we had lost her twin and not her. We had her in October of 2009, and she is now a healthy and vibrant child. I think about my angels every day and wonder how they would love their sisters (my rainbow children). I realize not everyone's journey is a happy one, but this is how I got here and why I share this with you. If you have ever lost a child no matter what the circumstances, I urge you to request to join this group on Facebook: October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group - Closed Group. They have been a wonderful source of encouragement and support for me. I hope we can all enjoy our journeys together.