The Quite After the Storm

  I've spent my life often wondering, how and why we ended up in certain places that we could not have ever imagined we'd end up. An example of this is, right now, I'm writing from a beautiful summery kind of day in Southeastern Pennsylvania.  I never imagined, when I was growing up and younger that I would ever travel 3,000 plus miles away from all I knew and loved. Yet here I sit, now 31 years of age, living in a 100+ year old home listening to the giggles of my children or the silence as their father takes them on walks.  I never imagined, that I would be 31 years old, have to make some difficult decision regarding future children. I never imagined, having children would be entirely difficult for me to do. I never imagined, that I'd be close to death more than once in my life. But I was always pretty sure, I knew I would find a man who would love me the way I needed and deserved to be loved.

   I call this moment in time right now the quiet after the storm, because we've had a lot go on since my last post back in December. The Christmas & New Year came and went for us, with visits from our loved ones. A surprise visit with my father-in-law, whom I actually got to spend a great deal of time talking to. Valentine's day was next, and I must say it was my very first Valentine's Day, which was the absolute best. Usually I have bad luck with Valentine's Day, but for some reason this year was spectacular. St. Patrick's Day was then celebrated by us, why? Because we are a good Irish family, despite how Asian I look in within my Japanese heritage, I am indeed part Irish along with my husband. We embrace our Irish roots quite a bit, despite our French sounding family name. More recently, we celebrated Palm Sunday, Good Friday, and Easter without the Easter Bunny but with the true meaning of Easter in our Christian tradition. Many of our holidays were spent with family and loved ones. I have been feeling exceptionally blessed right now.
   In the middle of all the holidays, we had some family emergencies. Our first born, Joannie, had surgery on her foot. Cosmetic, as some may call it, but it was surgery none the less to remove an extra toe or digit (as the doctor's refer to it.) Then Chris, my dear husband, had an accident at work with a hose that splashed chemicals on his face. Thankfully that wasn't as serious, as it could of been, and a lot of prayers were answered with that one. Then during a routine visit to the OB, a health concern that was gradually getting worse came up. I was in a lot of pain, losing a lot of energy, lacking an appetite, and some other symptoms that suggested some rather serious was going on. After running some test, which were requested by my OB, it was discovered that I had uterine fibroids growing inside my uterine wall. Because I have additional health concerns, my OB's advice was for a partial hysterectomy or to have an IUD put in place. During our second and last daughter's birth, we had been advised against having any additional pregnancies for many health reasons. So my tubes were tied, which I wasn't fully prepared for physically or mentally how I would react to that. Since then, I've been seeing a wonderful Therapist, who has been helping me in my healing process. This time was different though, I knew this was the end and we would have no more children of our own.  In my mind, I would love to have more children, but my body just won't allow me. Pregnancies and my earthly body don't get a long. Out of 5 pregnancies, I only have 2 live births. I am eternally grateful to God for the children that I do have and I am learning to accept that my children in Heaven for some reason or another were not meant to spend their time here on earth. It's the accepting of that which has been extremely difficult for me, but I am slowing working on accepting those losses.
   During my surgery for my partial hysterectomy, I had the most wonderful experience. Even though it may have been brief, I went to Heaven and saw my children, my loved ones, and my family. My children spoke to me telling me.."Everything will be okay now, Mommy. You can be happy now. We are okay and we love you." I got to see my birth mom, my aunt (who just recently passed away), and everyone I know. I was in awe of how beautiful everything was. The peace, the love, and happiness that is in Heaven is so wonderful. I can't imagine any place that is more spectacular than Heaven is. To describe Heaven, I would have to say there are no words to describe this amazing place, that would do Heaven any justice. It is far more beautiful, than I could imagine. More beautiful, than any tropical paradise or beach at sunrise or sunset.  The Heaven, I saw was full of grace, peace, love, acceptance, and everything so amazing. I feel blessed to have had this experience. Yet, I feel that my stay or visit there was really brief. But it is in that glimpse of glory, wonder, and awe that I am inspired to share this story with others. The next thing, I remember is a nurse in the recovery room calling my name. I remember thinking, "God, I really don't want to leave here. But my two beautiful rainbow girls need their mother." I gradually opened my eyes, I guess I started crying because the nurse asked me what was wrong. Before I even had a chance to say anything, she gave me pain medicine. My next coherent thought was I needed my Christopher. I needed to tell him what had happened, but would he believe me? I waited to tell my husband about my experience, until I had been home a few days. I needed time to think about things and process it. I mean after all maybe it was just a dream or maybe an illusion in my subconscious. But as much as I processed it I finally realized there was no argument about it. I really had an amazing experience that I had to share with him. I finally told Chris about my experience and his response was, "Jenny, I'm glad you came back to us. I can't imagine my life without you." I told him, "Chris, I really didn't want to wake up. But I couldn't imagine being anywhere without our girls and you."
    I believe with all my heart, that I am going to this amazing place that I visited. I will see all my loved ones again. I will be in Heaven some day, and this knowledge makes me want to share this experience with everyone. I'm guarded with who I tell about this experience because I don't want to be judged or ridiculed. So for now, I am sharing this with you my support group and fellow mourners in the loss of your children. I hope this gives just one of you hope. There is a wonderful place, and your children are their.

   Hug and love. Live and laugh. Rejoice and Smile. My thoughts and prayers are with each of you as you travel through your storms and calms of life and loss. God Bless you!