I have few things in life I share in detail with others. However, I am going to share something rather personal with those of you who wish to read this blog. Lately, I've been quite vocal about my past miscarriages. I believe this is something most parents/families do not discuss at all. Far too often when it occurs, various individuals’ natural reaction is to sweep it underneath the rug, so to speak. We urge parents to move on and “just get over it already.” Having gone through this myself, I know what it is like to have people who care about me say hurtful statements, like “just forget it happened” or “just get over it.” Now, some of you may wonder, what is she talking about? I'm referring to the death of a child, no matter how early or late they are lost. Mostly I'm referring to miscarriage, which I have personal experience and knowledge about.
I am by no means an expert on the topic, and I don't know why I had mine, other than a few things one doctor told me when I was 24 years old following my 2nd miscarriage with twins. I do however have personal experience in dealing with the loss of a life that would have been. Until recently, I honestly thought I had moved on past my losses to my two living children. My fifth and final pregnancy was a somewhat normal pregnancy for me, with the exclusion of severe morning sickness. It was an easy pregnancy, other than having to test my sugar twice a day, due to a history of gestational diabetes. I never thought this would be my last pregnancy; I had always hoped for more children. After all, I was trying to have a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean Delivery). But God, or life, had other plans. Gabriella, wound up being a transverse breech child, meaning her head and feet were in my ribs. If she had been traditional breech then the doctor would have been able to try and turn her to get her in position for birth. At this point, I had already been in labor for nearly 4 days. So, due to the estimated weight of the baby and my inability to eat or sleep, we scheduled an early Cesarean. Because my contractions were so close together, I was rushed from my doctor's office to the Labor and Delivery area, and prepped for a rush surgery. I do thank God for guiding my doctors and anesthesiologist during the C-Section. With a history of low blood pressure, it became a serious issue during this delivery. I also lost quite a bit of blood from the placenta when they removed it. I have adverse reaction to epidurals, which are necessary with a C-Section. We made a decision when we were pregnant that if this pregnancy was a C-Section delivery, I would have my tubes tied. Later, our anesthesiologist agreed that he wouldn’t advise any further pregnancies because of my low blood pressure and reaction to the epidural. So, we had my tubes tied during the c-section for Gabriella.
My inability to have any more children of my own makes me yearn for the ones I lost early on in my pregnancies. I spent a lot of time crying, and still cry at the drop of a hat, because I didn't seek the help I needed to go through the grieving process. I blame myself for not giving Chris a son, even though he is happy and fine with his two beautiful daughters. I wonder sometimes, what Joannie's twin, Christopher Lani Cormier (this is a name we chose for him rather recently) would be doing. I see him and my other children in my dreams along with my mom, mother-in-law, and grandparents. I find I am not alone in this. There are those who would tell me, "But look at the two children you have and consider yourself lucky you don't have the added burden of extra mouths to feed." They obviously don't know how badly Chris and I both wanted a family and wanted each one of our children including the ones that weren't his. Chris told me a long time ago, that he would have loved and cared for them as if they were his very own.
When I was 24 years old, I was told to give up the notion of becoming a mother. Because I would never be able to have children of my own, I might as well adjust to that idea. A while passed, and I met my current husband. He was unsure if he could even have children, so he was tested before we got married. At this point, I already had 2 miscarriages, one of which was my twins. We found out then that the possibility of us never having children was 99.99%. In December of 2008, on my birthday, we found out we were pregnant! Two days later, I miscarried that child. While I was having my miscarriage, the nurse had me pee in a cup while they did blood work. They rushed it and it was negative, she turned to me and told me "You're not pregnant just having really bad cramps and your period. I don't need to see the tissue sample you brought in. Go home and get some rest. You're probably just stressed out." So I went home, only to find out a week later on a routine pap smear, that indeed I was pregnant and did indeed have a miscarriage. My doctor ran some test to see why I had a miscarriage and wasn't carrying to term but nothing came up ... instead, since I was still sick, I took a home pregnancy test and almost passed out. I was still pregnant; this little rainbow was indeed a miracle, for we had lost her twin and not her. We had her in October of 2009, and she is now a healthy and vibrant child. I think about my angels every day and wonder how they would love their sisters (my rainbow children). I realize not everyone's journey is a happy one, but this is how I got here and why I share this with you. If you have ever lost a child no matter what the circumstances, I urge you to request to join this group on Facebook: October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group - Closed Group. They have been a wonderful source of encouragement and support for me. I hope we can all enjoy our journeys together.
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